![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
I remember, a long time ago, the idea of having a romantic relationship was about as crazy to me as stepping foot on the moon. That was a sad dark time in my life and it has been difficult coming out of that mindset...
Ah, but childhood is still great. Things are still amazing. When one utters in fascination...
"Holy shit. Dinosaurs man. Big huge dinosaurs."
Awesome.
And lightning bugs. What a fuckin trip. And the sounds of the insects...and they never sound the same as back then, you know?
Thunder. Rainstorms. The Ocean. What a bunch of fucking trips. And holy shit, how about outer space?
Damn.
That was a time when faith hadn't been all eaten up by knowledge. When all we had was our intuitive childhood "wisdom". The lore of children.
Heh.
There came a time when I stopped believing. When I accepted that it was just going to be more of the same. That life just doesn't progress into this blooming happiness; that happiness is fleeting and you're often left with nothing but the burn-shadow memories that once sweet, have turned sour in your mind. I guess that was in High School.
And for a little while, hope triumphed. And I was glad.
I still dreamed...but I was glad.
But my delierium faded, after a while, and I rejoined the certain sect of sensibility, the Cynics.
That was a dumb sentence, I apologize.
And now I am next to gone. I don't think I'll ever be able to recapture that, and maybe that's just part of getting older, which is really disappointing. I feel I need to travel to the jungle or something.
I need to see beauty.
I need to feel it.
It's the closest thing to truth we've got.
I can't accept that my life must remain this constant dire monologue. I need to share this with somebody, I need to re-connect with people.
Ah, being.
Sorry to be so pretentious. Gah.
February 11 2006, 13:42:01 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
February 11 2006, 16:53:14 UTC 6 years ago
Eternity
Anonymous
February 17 2006, 05:57:04 UTC 6 years ago
These things take time
Stumbled on this by accident by googling "destined for obscurity," which is a nice phrase.Having read this post, I'll just say, "I know the feeling." But eventually you come to the point where you have to decide to change things around, knowing that if you don't, you'll just stay in an unhappy state for the next 50 years (if you don't off yourself first).
Life is not totally in your control. That's true. There will always be circumstances, sometimes against you, sometimes in your favor, sometimes nothing in particular. But it is your life, and you have to decide to fight for it. Do whatever you need to do to get where you want to be. I'm really not a "rah rah" guy by nature, but I do believe in hope as a survival mechanism. And that only works when you work at getting better.
I came to see it like someone who has a chronic disease. You could focus on how sick you feel, or you could get out and do what you have to do to get well. It may not feel natural, but if what is natural is unsatisfying and makes you unhappy, you have to pull yourself up and get on.
I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing in your 20s. That is a very trying time in many ways. The adjustments from what you knew and lost to where you are now is very trying. But it gets better if you decide you want to get better.
I realize I'm just a total stranger offering my 2 cents, but I recognize my own past in the things you wrote, and I've fought my way out of it.
Actually, if you are at all curious, I've posted a bunch of poetry, old and new, that reflect those different stages. Check it out if you feel like it.
www.myspace.com/schubertiad
March 2 2006, 07:08:28 UTC 6 years ago